Lately I have been feeling really discouraged. To most, I have no reason to complain in life. I'm undoubtedly happily married- to the best man I know, I have a roof over my head, I have a great-gas saving- new car, we can pay our bills, my family is alive and well, I have several friends whom I trust with anything...
And yet I have this void. A re-occurring void that makes its presence known when I feel just low enough for it to consume me like a tidal wave. That's a little dramatic but it's the way that it feels. My life right now is one big question. What do I want to do with it? Where do I want to be in the future? What type of career do I want to create for myself? The answer is "I don't know". I feel inadequate. For my entire life I have always wanted to be an actress. I used to pride myself in knowing that would one day be my title. I never thought any less. I knew it was going to happen for me. It was this unwavering idea that I would eventually be a working actress on a sit-com or the best friend in a comedy film. I've "strived" towards it but ultimately life gets me so down in the ground that I am face planting with dirt. My passion for acting hasn't gone away; it still haunts me. It haunts me because I don't see that in my future anymore and I feel failure from it.
There isn't any preparation for this season of life. And while I could suck it up, roll off my pity wagon and work with what I have, it's the feeling of failure that keeps me down. I'm sure it will pass. But I find myself in a constant state of crying out to God asking Him to show me what I should be doing. I'm not sure if I will end up working in an office for the rest of my life, growing in the fashion industry, or fulfilling my ultimate dream of creating and being and acting on set everyday. I pray for the latter.
But the world is telling me no and it's really hard to ignore.
I'm Alyssa, thanks for stopping by! A few things: I enjoy laughing, making youtube videos and thrift shopping. Currently listening to "Everything Now" by Arcade Fire. I like my coffee black and my preferred method of maxin' & relaxin' is with my husband and pup.