It's difficult to put into words how I've been doing. On one hand life has pretty much gone back to normal - at least on the outside. Monday through Friday I get up, maybe put makeup on and maybe do my hair, throw on anything because I don't usually care, go to work, smile and act normal, go home, sit on the couch and eventually go to bed. All while trying to do things to distract my mind. Weekends have been oddly busy - between me going to Conroe to spend time with my sisters + dad and having my sisters coming to see me in Dallas, I've been busy with work commitments, birthdays, random things, etc. I've barely had a chance to catch my breath to be honest. Part of me is fine with this because just like at work, the busyness is a nice distraction. Yesterday was probably the first Saturday I had alone time in about a month or longer and I didn't really know what to do with myself. I tried to go do my normal fun Saturday things i.e. thrifting, cleaning, organizing... but having alone time meant there was no one to distract my thoughts and the ones I tend to keep submerged deep, deep down just kept creeping up on me out of nowhere.
I'm fine and I'm not fine. I can be 90% "normal" at work and church and public places but there's a huge part of me that hates that. I don't want people to assume I'm fine, that I'm "strong" or any other adjective they think suits how I am in the situation that I'm in.
I just don't understand how I can go back to the menial, silly little things that are superficial fluff. Making YouTube videos, sharing instagram posts, creating blog content... I miss these things so often and I want to come back but I don't know how.
Literally do not know how. My mind goes in a million circles thinking about everything and I don't know how to just come right back with a smile on my face and say, "I'm great!".
But then I think to myself... "Mom would be so angry with me!!!" She loved EVERYTHING I created and she was my biggest cheerleader. If she knew I wasn't fulfilling my heart's desire by creating videos and sharing my story with you, she'd be so upset. I miss her so much. I wish she could talk to me right now about everything and hug me until l felt whole again.
I'm not sure what I got on here to say except that I am here, I'm not always "okay" and I miss sharing with you all. I miss creating. I feel like I am ready to do so but I don't quite know how yet. If that's me just simply picking up where I left off and we just don't address the elephant in the room, would that be the worst thing? That might be what I do. I dunno. I have no clue. It's so much easier to not talk about. Hence all the messages and friends I've not gotten back to since everything happened.
I hope my rambling made sense but I'm honestly not sure. I'm not very good at verbalizing what's in my very broken heart.
I'm Alyssa, thanks for stopping by! A few things: I enjoy laughing, making youtube videos and thrift shopping. Currently listening to "Everything Now" by Arcade Fire. I like my coffee black and my preferred method of maxin' & relaxin' is with my husband and pup.