Grief is uncomfortable. It hurts like hell, more than you imagine, but it is unbelievably uncomfortable. You wake up, feel heavy, slap on a smile and fake it until you're alone and have a moment to cry. Everything reminds you of the person who is no longer there. Your toothpaste. A commercial. Your neck or hands. Food. The ice machine on the fridge. Your own eyes.
I struggled with whether or not to post this. I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it. Life right now is a constant thought process while trying to find things to distract myself.
Days before Christmas, I lost my mom.
I want to curse these words out of my existence but it's true.
My mother.. My mom. My momma. The person who made me who I am. The person I expected to hold my babies. The one I wanted to call when I felt broken. The one who encouraged me. The one who never judged me. The person who was so fragile and still somehow so strong. The person I prayed for multiple times a day that my God would protect and keep. The one who smelled and felt like home. The one who taught me love. The one who taught me acceptance. The one who showed me what the grace of God entailed. The one who never wavered despite her circumstances. The woman who raised me.
My mom. Melissa Leigh.
How can time keep moving when you're not here? I'd give anything and do everything to feel your hug right now and hear you say "I love you, my Sissa Leigh". I miss you so much it hurts, Momma.
Oh God, I am completely broken but still - I cling to You. "And if not, He is still good" Daniel 3:18
One of my mom’s frequently quoted verses my little sister, Elizabeth, recalled.
I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I don't know who I am without her.
This morning at church, my pastor spoke of discovering your identity in who God created you to be. That's hard for me to comprehend without my mom because she defined so much of who I am. However, I was so grateful to hear these words. This is what my mom would want. This is what my mom instilled in me as she raised me.
I’m not sure what my future holds... but I do want to share with you a devotional that Daniel read with me a few weeks ago from a book my mom gave me called Jesus Calling. I pray it helps you wherever you are - grief stricken, wandering, broken or confused.
“Softly I announce My Presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help.
Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I hear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are enlightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness.” - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
My prayer and my hope is to be just like her. I know that means to be like Jesus because she was the purest form of Him I have ever encountered.
I miss you, mom.
I'm Alyssa, thanks for stopping by! A few things: I enjoy laughing, making youtube videos and thrift shopping. Currently listening to "Everything Now" by Arcade Fire. I like my coffee black and my preferred method of maxin' & relaxin' is with my husband and pup.